Cyprus Tree

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“The price of being a sheep is boredom, the price of being a wolf is loneliness. Choose one or the other with great care.”


Complications (pt 2)

If you’re just tuning in, here’s part one

So things worked out eventually, as they usually do. 

There’s a common theme to high school relationships, how I see it, they fall apart in one of two ways: an exaggerated display of teen angst played out across all social classes in the school district, or the passive-aggressive melodrama that is the gradual fade — in which the relationship just dies and nobody, not even the two people involved, really notice. In order for either scenario to be carried out, from what I’ve seen, the relationship needs to be in compliance with the most common fault of any high school relationship: a lack of genuine love.

I’d be incredibly naive to think that only I have found it at this age, maybe I’m naive to believe I’ve found it at all. I’m just saying, I believe, people my age commonly mistake lust for love, and build relationships purely off of the high libido any teenager has. It’s far more rare, it seems, that a 17 year-old actually finds love.

Anyhow, I did find love, and everything was going great. And then it wasn’t.

We fell apart, I felt awful, he felt awful, so we took a second and stepped back. We fought. I walked away.

The problem was, this was two days before we (the school’s band and choir) took a trip to New York. He and I were rooming with two other guys. There would be no switching rooms, and this was going to get very awkward for a solid four days.

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There’s something tricky about relationships that we have to understand before we try to find ourselves in anything too serious. But before I go into that, you should probably understand where I’m coming from..

My relationships often fail, as I’ve previously stated. And it was obvious who’s fault it was (mine, just about every time) so I got thinking, “What’s wrong with me?” But not a self-loathing, whoa-is-me kind of question, more like, “Why can’t I get this right?” So I asked a dear friend of mine, and his insight was rather valuable so I think I should share it with you, his philosophy was that if he couldn’t first love himself, there was no way he could give anyone else anything greater than what he knew. Basically he hated himself, so his relationships were unhealthy.

On my side, no I don’t hate myself, but I don’t have it all figured out. I urge anyone who might find themselves in a relationship that isn’t functioning as it should to take some time off. Figure yourself out, or let your partner figure themselves out. Listen to your friends, jeez I can’t stress that enough. And I know that’s easier said than done.

Recently I found myself in a relationship (and this is going to get sappy), my first real, loving relationship, and it became unhealthy for both of us. Evidently I blamed the other party when I was just as guilty, which should help because we’re on temporary leave and he’ll be busy finding himself while I work on fixing me. But it’s truly the most difficult thing I think I’ve ever had to do, that is, giving up someone you love [even for a little while, with the intention of fixing things]. A strange phenomenon takes place when you do, but I haven’t quite figured it out. The world feels so much smaller than it was. Or maybe there’s just less in it.